Caring for Two
Carers UK complied a report with an astonishing statistic:
“Every UK citizen has a 50:50 chance of being an unpaid carer before their 50th birthday.” That’s a strong ratio for a position that most of us would feel very unqualified to take on.
Additionally, society often has mixed feelings about the role of a carer, sometimes assuming that their life is sacrificed due to the high level of commitment required. However, what is often overlooked is the profound honor that comes with the role. For someone caring for an elderly parent or partner, it can be a deeply meaningful experience, reflecting the love and support given in earlier years.
“Whether it’s small things, like being company for someone to bigger things like helping someone with their mobility and medication, it’s all incredibly rewarding.”
Fraser, BelleVie Wellbeing Support Worker
And above all, a care relationship involves two people (and sometimes more!).
The role of carer is often overshadowed by the illness of the person they are caring for. But as Johns Hopkins geriatric psychiatrist Deirdre Johnston, M.D. wisely said:
“The care of dementia is actually the care of two people: the person with the illness and the person taking care of them.”
There are positive psychological benefits, improved health and reduced mortality (often when spouses to spouse) one United States study found. Yet for positive outcomes, both parties’ lives and wellbeing must be viewed as equally important and valued.
And the perfect baseline to achieve this is a combination of a great care plan – for the both people – strong support systems, and a community that realises that yes; there are two precious people here.
A Carer's Life
There are many heart-warming experiences in caregiving, but there are also significant challenges.
Carers can sometimes feel invisible or as if their own lives are deemed less important, with everyone focusing solely on the wellbeing of the care recipient. This is especially true when one partner is caring for the other, which can leave the caregiver feeling isolated and alone.
Caregivers often sacrifice their personal time, hobbies, and social interactions, which can lead to feelings of guilt and underlying resentment. They may yearn for the freedom they once had, and these feelings are completely valid. They also highlight the crucial need for personal time.
We've gathered some ideas to help you manage this balance. But first, let’s clarify what exactly constitutes a caregiver.
Types of Carer's
So if 50% of us will be a carer before we’re 50 years-old, what exactly is one?
The UK government defines a carer as “an adult who helps another adult with their day-to-day tasks, because that person can’t manage.”
That simple definition that then falls into three categories of care scenarios:
Long term care at home - Often associated with older adults who need support, live with illnesses like dementia or Alzheimer’s, mental illness, learning disabilities, or physical disabilities.
Shorter-term care at home - after an accident where a hospital stay was needed, or for recuperation after surgery.
Care homes – where someone lives permanently in a professional care facility.
The tasks and responsibilities in care can differ significantly, such as when supporting someone in addiction recovery compared to someone with a physical disability. Regardless of the specific need, especially in home care, it’s vital to recognise that both the caregiver and the person receiving care are deeply affected. Keeping this awareness at the forefront helps create a compassionate and supportive environment for everyone involved.
Breaking the Stereotypes of Carers
Research shows that anyone can unexpectedly find themselves in a caregiving role. There are common misconceptions that caregivers must be family members, provide full-time care, live with the person, or have professional training.
In reality, caregivers' stories often go unnoticed. Some may be high school students caring for a disabled parent or sibling after school. Others might be friends supporting a lifelong companion who became physically disabled after an accident, or partners caring for someone diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Caregivers are remarkable people who step up for those they love when life presents its toughest challenges.
Society has developed a demographic frame for carers too. Research has found they are women, aged around the 40 – 50 years benchmark and single.
As assumptions go, that’s far from the case.
Financial Assistance to Care for Two
There are 1.3 million British citizens who receive a government funded carer’s allowance.
And from a 2021 census, there’s an estimated 5.7 million unpaid carers across the UK, with organisations like Carers UK estimating 10.6 million is more accurate.
If you’re an unpaid carer you might be eligible for support. Here are a few sites to help you learn more about the criteria and eligibility:
Gov UK – Disability living allowance (for children)
A Carer's Self-Care Starter Pack
Being aware of common concerns can help you reframe the conversation and navigate what can be an emotionally challenging discussion.
If conversations seem to stall or hit a dead end, consider adjusting your approach. There are strategies you can use to ease the process, such as revisiting the conversation with empathy, focusing on the benefits, and ensuring open, supportive communication.
Combating burnout
Managing your own mental health is essential when you're a caregiver. The responsibilities can lead to feelings of guilt, grief, and even depression. Here are some key steps to help protect your wellbeing:
Monitor your mental health – Learn the basics of anxiety and depression so you can recognise the early warning signs in yourself.
Educate yourself on the care recipient’s condition – Understanding their symptoms can offer you strategies to manage care more effectively and reduce daily stressors.
Seek support outside your immediate circle – Connecting with other caregivers can provide much-needed emotional support and recharge. (Links to resources available later in this blog.)
“You build relationships that go beyond just ‘a job.’ It is not your job to be a machine and get tasks done. It’s your job to be a human and go in with an open heart, open mind, and respect.”
Jolene – Oxford Team
Fill Your Social Cup
Balancing time for personal relationships is a major challenge, especially when caregiving. Even when you do find time, stress and exhaustion can make it tempting to cancel social plans. However, maintaining these connections is crucial for your wellbeing.
Here are a few tips to help you stay on track:
Keep a social diary – This can serve as a visual reminder of when you last spent time with friends. It helps keep you accountable and nudges you into action if it's been too long.
Find a social accountability buddy – Ask a close friend to check in regularly and encourage you to get out for some time away from the house.
Be open with friends if you're struggling – Talking honestly about your challenges can release built-up emotions and might even lead to discovering that someone you know has faced similar experiences.
“Never be afraid to ask for help. Ask as many questions as you need to. You never stop learning in care. Be prepared to use everyday skills and talents in your role.”
Megan- Witney Team
For the Body and Mind
We understand that advice like “attend yoga classes” or “take a long walk every day” can feel impractical for busy and exhausted carers. It’s a classic chicken-and-egg situation: exercise generates energy, but you need energy to exercise!
Even small amounts of exercise can improve both physical function and mental wellbeing through the release of endorphins. If you’re starting from scratch, begin with manageable steps.
Consider keeping a diary to schedule exercise time, just as you would for social activities.
Use digital tools like exercise trackers and apps to maintain momentum by tracking your progress and keeping you motivated.
If you have a dog, use daily walks as an opportunity to get more steps in, even if it's just around the block.
Prepare nutritious meals in bulk and freeze them to ensure you’re getting the vitamins and minerals you need to support your energy levels and overall health.
Practice Mindfulness - a mind exercise that brings focus to your present action. Proven to help reduce stress and simple to learn.
Community Support Networks
The carer community is a kind and compassionate resource. A casual chat, sharing practical advice, or to read a Facebook post from a carer with a similar experience can be the tool that lifts you up after a low day.
Whether in person or on-line, here are a few websites to help get you connected:
Carer support centres by UK region
Online forums and community:
Side by Side is an online peer support community.
Carers Connect is a forum for unpaid carers to talk and connect.
A search function to find support groups in your area.
Working Together to Change Perceptions
Caregivers often feel overlooked as attention tends to focus on the person they care for, rather than the caregiver themselves.
At BelleVie, we aim to change that. We champion the incredible work that all types of caregivers do and advocate for this recognition across society. Caregivers are true givers, pouring love and energy into their responsibilities.
Workplace leaders can support caregiver employees by being flexible and understanding that their lives come with added challenges. Compassionate consideration not only helps them thrive as employees but also fosters a workplace culture free of stigma and full of openness.
We encourage everyone to remember—every care situation involves two people: the person being cared for, and the caregiver, who equally needs love, support, and inclusion.
If you’re not a caregiver but know one in your community, consider helping out. You could assist with indirect tasks like picking up groceries, mowing the lawn, hanging laundry, or simply offering a chat and a cuppa.
By coming together as a community, we can show caregivers that they are not alone. While caregiving is a partnership, it’s one that grows even stronger with the support of the wider community.
